I need so much time to recover from the past week of arguments. It took a toll on me and now, I feel like my strength in this relationship is slowly going away. It’s not that I don’t love him anymore, trust me I love this boy like so so much, losing him would be the last thing on my mind.
I love him so much, that maybe, being single again would do more good for him than being in a relationship. With me.
It took me awhile, to settle in, to open up, to pour out my feelings to him. I got comfortable, perhaps a little too much and I totally forgot about how he felt. All I know, all I was experiencing was content. I felt alive, I felt so overwhelmed with energy, because I was in love, and I was 95% sure I sincerely wanted to marry him.
The idea of marriage became a topic we discussed for some time. The concept of the pre-wedding shoot. The outfits we were going to have on. The buffet. The music. The honeymoon. Our house. Our child. Our future.
All these thinking, wow this boy really wants this to happen. And on my part, I sure as hell wanted it to happen.
And suddenly, we were screaming at each other, picking out our every flaw. I’m to blame for contributing to all the unhappiness but when he said he was rethinking the relationship. Everything dropped.
I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear.
I wanted to run to him and look into his eyes, hoping what he said was untrue. And he was only joking.
He wasn’t.
i would have poured my eyes out if not for the fact I was working at that time with two other colleagues. It’s not a cubicle kinda job. I had to interact. So I kept it all in.
I felt like a blender on mid-speed with a lid 80% shut. I held on until we got on the phone.
He was upset I hadn’t changed. I was acting like a friend to him when I should be the supporting girlfriend. I should’ve been the quick and responsive one. But I wasn’t.
With that, he wanted a break up. Not because he didn’t love me anymore. But because my actions conflicted with my girlfriend-status.
He loved me, and of course I love him.
If he did love me, wouldn’t he be the sensible one to sit me down and talk things with me first? I know if you’ve to change for the boy, then you shouldn’t be together. But this was different. This was something I could change. Maybe not entirely, but I could slowly mold myself into that better girlfriend.
I could totally do that. I just needed more time.
I need more time. To do just that.
He grew impatient and exhausted. I was so sad.
I love him so much, I wasn’t ready to throw it all away. I can’t fathom the moment I would throw it all away. I’m deeply in love with him, I’d do anything for him. He doesn’t want a big change from me, he just wants me to be better. I’d totally do that.
I just wished he could’ve said something in the beginning.
“Look, you’ve been acting strange. To make this work, we need to do abc. I want you to know that I love you that’s why I’m doing this and I’m going to help with get through this..”
He didn’t.
To him, if something didn’t work out, he’d throw it away.
It’s really too painful to think about the cupcake plan we had, and now it’s gone. I can’t think about it anymore because it just hurts me. Maybe it’ll eventually work out as a solo project, or if he’s going to change his mind, but for now, my heart is too weak to be reminded of it.
I need time.
We’re still together, but I’m more than weary now. Of my actions, my words, my gestures, my texts, my tone (especially on the phone)..
He is talking about “when we get married..” and I just shudder to think “what if you want to break up with me again? stop discussing marriage plans with me like you won’t break up with me again..”
It scares me so fucking much.
I’ve fallen into this rabbit hole. And I’m struggling climbing back up. I don’t want to, but I have to. I need to erase all thoughts of “future plans”. I don’t think I’ll get up if he were to break up with me again. I’ll never get over it. I won’t be depressed. But I will be shattered. And sad. Like the kind of sadness you won’t let go.
You can let it go, but you can’t. Because his words replay in your head.
“Let’s do this and that when we get married”
“Let’s go to India..”
“Our house is going to look like this *points to tacky advertisement*”
You can’t let it go because you question whether he actually meant it in the beginning. Whether he wanted a future with you. And if he wanted a future with you, was he going to accept you, and help you grow, help you snap out of your horrible, childish self? Or was he going to throw it all away once you expose your flaws? Did he just say it to stir me up inside and then leave when he finds the chance to?
And now that we’re “alright” again, my senses heighten. I need to be careful with everything I say or do. I need to listen to everything he says and react the way I should. I love him, yes, but I need to be robotic for awhile so he sees that I really want him back.
But it hurts me.
I don’t even want him to touch me now. I want to hold hands yes, but being intimate is just, different for me now. The way he used to brush against my breasts on purpose before, now, I don’t find it amusing anymore.
Does he just want me for my body now, or does he really love me again, and wants to marry me so we can have sex? Is he going to overlook the fact that I sometimes can be a terrible person, but against all odds, we help each other grow, we get married, and we have sex?
I can’t deal with such thoughts because if he wants my body, it would mean that he wants to marry me, he wants to marry me, he sees more good in me than bad, he sees the woman I mature to be, he sees the woman he wakes up next to every morning.
He doesn’t want to break up with me.
Ah, whatever you know. On my side, I know I need time to recover from the week of madness. I need to step up and be a better girlfriend. He is mine again and I will damn well cherish the moments until he proposes another break up.
Ahah, propose and break up in the same statement. I r geniuz.
But my point is, I won’t break up with him because I believe in a future together with him. If he wants to, then I’ll just have to go along with it and be bitter for awhile. That’s all. It’s as simple as that.
Life goes on.
